Thursday, August 22

Dear Tatum,

Grandma's stay in bed on Wednesday was restless. While she slept for much of the day, she was also busy moving blankets around the bed, moving her legs, and generally seeming uncomfortable. While she seems uncomfortable, she reports no pain. She was just restless--this was Lynette's word for it.

She was also restless all through the night. I was up often checking on her. Once, in the morning before the light came, I found her sitting in the bedroom chair. I asked her, "What are you doing here?" and she answered, "Waiting." "Waiting for what?" "I don't know." "Well let's get you back into bed, okay?" "Okay." 

I had respite set up again for today--this time a volunteer through hospice. She was coming from 11:00 to 3:00. I was looking forward to the massage I had scheduled, but had to cancel. Instead, I went to the local funeral home at 11:15 to get funeral arrangements in order. While I was there, Lynette called and was on her way to see us. 

I met Lynette at the house. She checked Grandma over: listening to her heart, checking her blood pressure, oxygen levels, and asking her questions. Afterward we went into the living room to talk. Lynette explained some of the different drug-related options available to Grandma to make her more comfortable--mostly related to her restlessness. We decided against the heavier, valium-like drugs that would knock her out more, and decided on Haloperidol. I'm only supposed to give it to her as needed. Lynette also suggested we bring in a hospital bed. A hospital bed definitely marks a turning point. She also said she thinks Grandma has a week to 10 days. 

I went for a quick walk, then to the eye exam I had previously scheduled. I was back at the house at 3:00, blurry-eyed. The hospital bed was delivered soon after. I went to check on Grandma while the delivery man set it up and found her lying sideways in bed with her legs hanging over the side. "Are you trying to get up?" "Yes." "Do you want to go to the bathroom?" "Yes." I helped her up and to the bathroom. She took such slow, small steps that once she'd lifted her heal I put my foot under hers to help her move forward. She slouched on the toilet and sat banging her hand on the rail (part of the restlessness). The hospice delivery man (who also delivered the oxygen and was very nice) helped me quickly make the bed. I cleaned Grandma and helped her walk to her new bed where the dining table had been an hour before. 

Michigan, Van, and Slip brought me Du Kuh Bee Korean noodles and Bok Choy for dinner. It was nice to be able to share the events of the past few days. We ate on the porch, where the table is now. 

Love,

Gin

Wednesday, August 21

Dear Tatum,

Wednesday was the first day Grandma stayed in bed. She had no interest in getting up this morning, no interest in eating. I went and checked on her regularly, helping her go to the bathroom or change her pants when needed. She slept the day away. 

The nurse, Lynette, had come on Monday and noticed her breathing was a bit more labored--she called it panting. It remained the same on Tuesday. She seemed more tired, but still doing her normal routine. I called Lynette and she decided to send over oxygen to see if that might help. The one amazing thing about hospice is once they decide you need something, they get it to you almost immediately. I listened to horror stories of people not following the guidelines of using oxygen correctly, signed all the papers agreeing to keep an open flame at least 5 feet away from the oxygen, put the warning up in the window about the use of oxygen in the house, and then it was delivered. Grandma used it for a while. I'm not sure that it made much difference. It's a comfort measure and her choice to use it. She pulled it out after a bit. 

Lynette says Grandma may just be tired and in need of rest, or it may be a turning point. Given that she had the social worker deliver paperwork about what to do in the case of death, I'm thinking she believes it's the latter.

I managed to get Grandma out of bed at 7:00 p.m. to watch Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. I also got her to eat half a piece of toast with strawberry jam, some cantaloupe, and some strawberry yogurt. She ate it in between napping, then went back to bed shortly after Wheel of Fortune. 

It was the first day where it felt like she was truly declining. 

Love,

Gin

Respite

Dear Tatum,

Tuesday was my first real respite since July 13th. It's not like I've been housebound--I've been able to go to the grocery store and the library and for walks around the neighborhood. I've also been able to take Grandma places: to Michigan's for dinner, Grand Central for breakfast, and no fewer than six different ice cream shops. But to have sometime to myself, to take a real break--this was the first time for that. I had five hours. 

I met Slip in Portland and we did a little high-end-can't-buy-anything-because-it's-all-outrageously-priced shopping. I guess you'd call it window shopping, even though we did go in through the doors. It's nice to see these beautiful things and wonder at the people who have the money to buy them. 

Then we had a progressive lunch. First we had mole covered tater tots at Bunk with queso fresco and avocado. It was delicious, but about halfway through I started wondering where the tater tots came from--frozen, we agreed--and then Slip started wondering about the mole. We finished. There was no choice about that; like I said, they were delicious. I thought about them later and decided that was the last time I'd ever have them.

Slip at Roman Candle.

After this we went to Roman Candle and were overwhelmed by the beauty of everything. The pastries in the case, the menu, the amazing tables made from  Oregon Walnut… it goes on. After our second lunch stop--we shared a chickpea and kale sandwich which a pole bean salad (so much healthier than the first)--we made a stop at Townshend's Tea. Next, a quick trip to the fabric store where I could not figure out how much fabric I needed so left empty handed. I had a fun time with Slip; it was just what I needed, but I was running late so made a bee line for Woodburn.

I called and told the respite person, Debbie, that it was okay to go--I was on my way. When I got home Grandma was waiting in her chair for me to change her pants. She hadn't gone the whole time Debbie was there and waited (as much as she could) for me. 

Love,

Gin

Candy

Dear Tatum,

Monday evening was another interesting trip to Mega Foods. It started with me telling Grandma I was going out for a walk. Her response, "Okay, I'm going out to a candy store very shortly... I don't know where a candy store is." "What kind of candy do you want?" "I won't know 'til I see it." I asked, "How are you going to get there?" and we had the car conversation again. She insisted she could make short trips and I insisted she couldn't. In her defiant way she asked, "Who says?" and I told her, "Everyone!" and then I listed everyone I could think of. We did our back and forth until I offered to take her to the store for candy. "Well, if that's the only way I can get there," she said.

So we went to the store. I got her a cart to push rather than using the wheelchair. It worked well although I had to do a lot of the steering. When we got into the store she headed directly toward the ice cream aisle. "I thought you wanted candy," I said. "Well I want ice cream, too." "You know we have two full tubs of ice cream at home?" "Yeah, but I want more." "Okay, but how about we get the candy first and then get the ice cream since it can melt?" She ignored me and headed directly toward the ice cream aisle. She chose a tub of Tillamook Strawberry. She walked down the aisle staring into the freezers. I offered to help her find what she was looking for, but she didn't know. It was another "I'll know it when I see it" moment. I think she just wanted to be out in the world. She took a right at the end of the ice cream aisle, gazed around, then said, "I need to find the bathroom." I panicked for a moment; I hadn't brought the diaper bag. If we didn't make it to the bathroom in time we could be in trouble. The bathroom was on the other side of the store in the front--we were in the back. We maneuvered our way through the aisles and around other shoppers. We left the cart with the lone tub of ice cream by the bathroom entrance and made it just in time. It was a close call.

The candy aisle wasn't far from the bathroom, and we went there directly after. She chose two Hershey bars, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, and M&Ms. The woman at the checkout was very patient with us as Grandma methodically counted out her change.

It is hard to convey the stress of theses occasions. Grandma has always been a bit on the quiet side, but she has recently become almost non-verbal. So when I ask her what she needs or where she's going she rarely answers me and just keeps moving along. This can be particularly challenging in public, when you're trying to make sure she is safe (doesn't fall) or determine what she wants. And given her current appearance (near death) and movements, we do draw attention. Those awful fluorescent grocery store lights don't help either. The whole scene had a surreal, dreamlike quality, and I was glad when we were back home.

Love,

Gin